Be Still

Well, it's official. I got my first tattoo this weekend! Here it is and here's the story behind it:

I wasn't always sure about tattoos. Something permanently on your body? Forever? Through life changes, pregnancies, weight gain, aging and eventually becoming old with saggy skin that completely deforms the shape? Hmmm...
There was never anything that I felt strongly enough about to engrave permanently onto my body. But this year, I found it.

As most of my readers know, I have been dealing with some anxiety these past 2-3 years. Not the normal anxieties and worries that everyone has on a daily basis. Crippling anxiety. When it started, it was terrifying. I didn't know what was happening and had no idea how to handle it. It started with the crumbling of the company I worked for. Then I bought a house, got engaged, lost my job, planned a wedding, found a new job and got married. That's a lot in just one year. No wonder I was losing my mind.

The anxiety was all day, every day. I would tremble, my heart would race, and so did my thoughts. My brain was all over the place and at times, it was hard to tell what was real. I had a hard time focusing and prioritizing my to-do lists. I was constantly scared for the next part of the day. In the morning, I was nervous about later that night, but then later that night, I'd be nervous about the next morning. I went to doctor appointment after doctor appointment trying to find the right treatment for me. Doctor bills were adding to the pile of wedding bills. This did not help.

I tried to fight the anxiety. Scratching and clawing at the walls screaming, Get me out! Get me out! 
Somebody help me! Why am I going through this? How do I make it stop? I read books on anxiety and how to stop panic/anxiety attacks. I used essential oils and got monthly massages. I went to yoga and started zumba classes. I thought, Why is nothing working?!
 
Through these moments of frantic racing around and panicking, I had no idea that all I needed to do was Be Still. God does the fighting for us, we need only be still. And with that, I give you the basis of my tattoo:

"The LORD will fight for you. You need only to be still."
Exodus 14:14

I've always been close to God, but a major "faith moment" in my life happened when I was 15. I went to Summer Fest, a youth, faith-based summer camp for teens and my life was changed. I "found God," if you will. Since then, I've been a firm believer in the power God and the power of faith.

Faith can get you through the darkest of times. I can now say that I've experienced this first-hand. I was crawling along, completely positive that my life was heading down this dark path. I felt like I was going to feel this way forever. Scared, nervous, confused, unsure about life... Everything felt pointless. Life was so stressful and I could feel it beating me down. The anxiety took over my mind and told me lie after lie after lie. "You're weak," it would tell me.

But down that long, dark tunnel filled with thorns and monsters, I saw a light. A tiny little light telling me, "These thoughts aren't real. This is an experience that is going to shape your mind and your spirit. God is teaching you to think in a new, innovative way that will prepare you for your future. You are strong and you will get through this. Some day you'll be able to help others because of this experience. Keep pushing."

As time went on, I learned how to cope during anxious moments and what worked for ME when it came to dealing with the anxiety. All day, every day, I prayed. I prayed for strength. I prayed for courage. I prayed for clarity. I literally prayed for help breathing. I was so confused about why this was happening to me and how I was going to make it out alive. How on earth am I going to get through this and come out a better person? I can hardly even breathe without reminding myself how to. God, help me to see the light.

The experiences that I have had these last couple of years have permanently and forever changed me as a person, and I wanted something to remember it by. Although the experiences were not pleasant, they were necessary for me to become who I am today. They have shaped this period of my life which will lead me into the rest of my life as an adult.

It was because of this faith that I made it through. There were many moments when I thought, How do people who don't have faith in God make it through times like this? Or people who don't have a good support system- friends and family? How do they survive anxiety and/or depression? Why was I so blessed with this family, this husband and these friends? Why am I one of the lucky ones who is given every tool I need to get through this experience? There's a reason I am here and there's a reason I am going through this.

There will always be hard times in life. We need to remember that the Lord is fighting for us. We need only to be still. This tattoo is my reminder.

Your friend,

Meg