Mercies in Disguise

In my first blog post, I revealed my experience with anxiety to the world. This was a difficult decision for me to make. I've talked to friends and family about it over the last couple of years but I never thought about publishing every excruciating detail to the public through a blog.

In just 5 hours, my blog post had over 130 views and I had received messages and texts from multiple people thanking me for my post, or telling me they were proud of me for 'putting myself out there'. I also received a phone call that night from a family member thanking me for my post telling me that, "now she doesn't feel so alone." The support I received was overwhelming and I am suddenly ecstatic that I have decided to start this blog!

Last year I started journaling again. I would just write about my day and how I was feeling. Sometimes I would make gratitude lists or lists of my goals for the week. If I was having a particularly anxious day I'd write about why I thought I felt that way and what I might do later in the day to try to reduce the anxiety. I started to feel like the thoughts were traveling so fast in my head that writing just simply was not efficient enough. If my handwriting was lagging behind the speed at which my brain was thinking, I'd lose the thought. So I started to type one day.

I sat down at my computer, opened a word doc and started to type. Three pages later I looked at what I had written. That day was a particularly anxious day for me and I didn't know why. I think I started writing in hopes that I would discover WHY all of this was happening to me. Sometimes I think that I still write because of that reason.

As I was reading through my 3 pages of mumbo-jumbo, I remember the one thing that stood out to me the most, mostly because it made me cry when reading it back to myself. I wrote something along the lines of, "My husband is so supportive. I don't know where I would be without him. He always knows just what to say and has this way of bringing me back down to earth."

I've always recognized the support I get from my husband, my family and friends. I thank them for listening to me cry and rant and go on and on about how I am feeling. But actually telling myself how thankful I was for this blessing in my life hit me really hard. It was like God told me that day, "Sit down, write, and remind yourself of all of the things you have to be thankful. See the blessings I have given you and rejoice in them." 

 Sometimes our biggest blessings in life are disguised by the struggles we are given and how we get through them with the support and love of those around us. This reminds me of the song ‘Blessings’ by Laura Story. She says:

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

In times of struggle, we are reminded of who is really there for us in times of angst and pain. No matter what happens in life, these are the people that will hold you up. I have a husband, a mom, a dad, a brother, a bunch of friends and a million family members (no seriously, my family is ridonkulously huge). I have all of these people supporting me when I need help and I will be there for any of them when they need me. This won't change. Family is a forever thing. I am so blessed to say I have all of this support!

As odd as it is to say, sometimes I look forward to the day when a family member or friend of mine is struggling and comes to me in such pain that they just need me to hug them while they cry. The amount of love and support I have received over the past couple of years has taught me how to love and support others. I've experienced FIRST HAND what it's like to need it. I know what it's like to feel like no one understands and that you're a freak of nature without a clue about what is happening to you. I know what it's like to be so terrified that you don't know what to do. To remind yourself of how to breathe again.

If I've learned one thing about how to stop anxious thoughts, it's that you need to remind yourself that you're going to be okay. I don't know how many times I was told that over the past two years, but it was needed EVERY TIME. So to my future strugglers, I am here and I understand. Now get over here and let me love you! ;)

Your friend,

Meg