Crushed by Christmas

Christmas is everywhere and it's in full force.

It all started just before Halloween. The holiday decor hit the stores and slowly started to be arranged on the shelves and then BAM! November 1st came and Christmas was everywhere.

I'm a huge Christmas lover, but something about it this year just has me feeling different. I have a big suspicion that the feeling is the fact that I'm a mom now. This will be my first Christmas as a mom and it's brought up some new feelings that I'm not sure how to describe.

Christmas is an overwhelming time for many people, and I definitely fit into that "overwhelmed mom" bucket this year. Between Christmas shopping and getting my Christmas cards put together, addressed, stamped and mailed out, and dealing with my son's random case of barf and diarrhea has just put me over the top this week. My husband and I have had to miss work, eating away at our PTO time and our baby's illness has been unpredictable and yucky for everyone involved. He's still not sleeping through the night and the longing I have for a full night's sleep feels like it will never be fulfilled.

Relatives have asked what they should get him for Christmas and I've given them all of my ideas... to the point where I literally have nothing left to get him. I'm OK with that, because he's only 10.5 months, he's not even going to remember this Christmas. He's not going to know who gave him what, or what we're even celebrating, but um, shouldn't I get my son something for Christmas? And then the mom guilt kicks in. Yikes...

Then I start thinking about the planning of the season. The maneuvering from house to house with a diaper bag, a baby in boots, a jacket, hat and mittens, and a dog in tow with his bag of dog food and shock collar for when he acts up. Where are we going to be when Finn needs his nap? Will he even fall asleep there? If he doesn't he'll be super crabby for the rest of the day and we'll probably have to dip out early so we can get him home to sleep in his own crib (Thanksgiving... it happened. Teething baby screamed the entire way home.)

I read an article about "Mom Burnout" and how many moms get to the point where they are just crawling through their day until they get to go back to bed. Then you get up in the morning and do it all over again. And that's where I'm at. I've reached a level of burnout that I have never reached before. There's no other word to describe how I'm feeling than exhausted.

Although my 10.5 month has been throwing up and filling his pants for a week straight now, he is so stinking happy and adorable all the time that I just can't even be upset about it! If it weren't for his smiles I don't think I would be nearly as happy as I am. And even though I'm happy, dealing with everything that comes along with Christmas this year has been difficult. The to-do list seems endless, my house is a constant cleaning project, work is busy and on top of all of that, it's cloudy and cold. And it makes me feel gross, tired, and just plain blah.

So how do you get out of a funk like this? When you're feeling overwhelmed with chores and to-do lists, and the weather's got you feeling down... what do you do to relax your mind and lift your spirits? And if "escaping" off to a spa or faraway land isn't an option, what do you tell yourself everyday so that you're not just 'getting through the day' but you're actually embracing it? I know there are some words of encouragement out there, so please, throw them at me!

Love, Meg

Happy Mama

So here's the deal. It's been 1.8 million days since my last blog post and wow, I have a lot to catch you up on.

I feel guilty about not keeping up with this blog. It's something that I love to do, writing. And something that I truly miss. But I think the reason it's been so long since I've written is not because I don't want to, or don't have time to.

I think it's because I'm truly and sincerely happy.

I tend to write out my fears, concerns and problems when they arise. It's not like I haven't had any over the last year, trust me, there have been a lot. But the difference is I'm finally content.

A few years ago, when I was in the abyss of my anxiety, I had hit the lowest of lows. I still can't pin-point exactly what I was feeling, but I know that one thing's for sure: I was afraid of how I felt. I was constantly thinking about what was next. Am I doing the right thing in my career? In my relationships? In my heath? Why am I always questioning everything? Do other people think this way? Do other people think this much? Is there something wrong with me?

Day after day I continued to see the light. I knew that there were better days ahead. I didn't know how I was going to get there or what it was going to be like, but I knew that God had something better planned for my life than this fear and worry. I prayed everyday, not for a stress-free life, money, or even everyday joy. I prayed for simple contentment.

All I wanted was to be content. All I wanted was to just be, and not overthink what I was doing. I wanted a job where I felt content. I wanted to be able to come home, hang out with my husband, make dinner, watch tv, and do all of it without fear or questioning whether I was in the right place or not.

And here I am. Winter of 2018 and I can tell you that I am happy, and I am content.

con·tent·ment

/kənˈtentmənt/

noun

1. a state of happiness and satisfaction.

In January, we welcomed our first baby, Finnick (Finn). Over these last 9 months, both my husband and I have been forced to live in the moment for our son. At any given moment he could need a bottle, a diaper change, a nap, a onesie change or just for us to play with him. Whatever he needs is our priority, and his needs are constantly changing.

Having a child has given us not only the opportunity to live in the moment, but to think entirely of someone else's needs above our own. This child is beautifully and wonderfully made, and is destined to do amazing things in his life, but right now, he relies solely on us and needs our undivided attention at all times. And honestly, there's nothing I would rather do than give it to him. 

It sounds so cliche, but ask any of my friends... I've wanted to be a mom for my entire life and I think now that it's finally happened, I feel complete. I have literally given life to someone, and I know that this is what I was meant to do. 

Becoming a mom was alway on my internal "checklist" for my life. But now that I've checked that box, I'm realizing that being a mom doesn't mean you birthed a child. You can't just check a box and boop, you're done. Being a mom is forever. This is something that cannot be undone, there's a strict no return policy on children and being a mom isn't something you can 'un-be.' This is who I am now and this is the biggest part of my life, and I think it's going to be the best part ❤️