I feel guilty about not keeping up with this blog. It's something that I love to do, writing. And something that I truly miss. But I think the reason it's been so long since I've written is not because I don't want to, or don't have time to.
I think it's because I'm truly and sincerely happy.
I tend to write out my fears, concerns and problems when they arise. It's not like I haven't had any over the last year, trust me, there have been a lot. But the difference is I'm finally content.
A few years ago, when I was in the abyss of my anxiety, I had hit the lowest of lows. I still can't pin-point exactly what I was feeling, but I know that one thing's for sure: I was afraid of how I felt. I was constantly thinking about what was next. Am I doing the right thing in my career? In my relationships? In my heath? Why am I always questioning everything? Do other people think this way? Do other people think this much? Is there something wrong with me?
Day after day I continued to see the light. I knew that there were better days ahead. I didn't know how I was going to get there or what it was going to be like, but I knew that God had something better planned for my life than this fear and worry. I prayed everyday, not for a stress-free life, money, or even everyday joy. I prayed for simple contentment.
All I wanted was to be content. All I wanted was to just be, and not overthink what I was doing. I wanted a job where I felt content. I wanted to be able to come home, hang out with my husband, make dinner, watch tv, and do all of it without fear or questioning whether I was in the right place or not.
And here I am. Winter of 2018 and I can tell you that I am happy, and I am content.
con·tent·ment
/kənˈtentmənt/
noun
- a state of happiness and satisfaction.
In January, we welcomed our first baby, Finnick (Finn). Over these last 9 months, both my husband and I have been forced to live in the moment for our son. At any given moment he could need a bottle, a diaper change, a nap, a onesie change or just for us to play with him. Whatever he needs is our priority, and his needs are constantly changing.
Having a child has given us not only the opportunity to live in the moment, but to think entirely of someone else's needs above our own. This child is beautifully and wonderfully made, and is destined to do amazing things in his life, but right now, he relies solely on us and needs our undivided attention at all times. And honestly, there's nothing I would rather do than give it to him.
It sounds so cliche, but ask any of my friends... I've wanted to be a mom for my entire life and I think now that it's finally happened, I feel complete. I have literally given life to someone, and I know that this is what I was meant to do.
Becoming a mom was alway on my internal "checklist" for my life. But now that I've checked that box, I'm realizing that being a mom doesn't mean you birthed a child. You can't just check a box and boop, you're done. Being a mom is forever. This is something that cannot be undone, there's a strict no return policy on children and being a mom isn't something you can 'un-be.' This is who I am now and this is the biggest part of my life, and I think it's going to be the best part ❤️
Becoming a mom was alway on my internal "checklist" for my life. But now that I've checked that box, I'm realizing that being a mom doesn't mean you birthed a child. You can't just check a box and boop, you're done. Being a mom is forever. This is something that cannot be undone, there's a strict no return policy on children and being a mom isn't something you can 'un-be.' This is who I am now and this is the biggest part of my life, and I think it's going to be the best part ❤️
