My hope

Why blog? Why now?

I've always loved to write. In the past I've considered starting a blog but never did. So why now? Why start blogging when there are so many other bloggers out there who, quite possibly, have a blog similar to what mine will be about?

I'm choosing to blog because maybe I can make someone out there not feel so alone. I'm a twenty-something graphic designer who is motivated, creative, enthusiastic, has life goals and dreams and has all of the world at her fingertips. I have the chance to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. I have an education, a degree and because of my creative mind, I see endless possibilities for my life. I bombard myself with opportunity and new ideas everyday. This overwhelms me.

So I want to write about my experiences. I want to write about the moments when I realized I was officially an adult. I want to write about how the stresses of life snuck up on me and how I am managing that stress. I want to inspire others who may also feel overwhelmed with the possibilities that we have before us in this life. So I'm just going to dive right in and tell you how I got to this point...

My first panic attack was March of 2014. I was on the train heading home from where I worked in downtown Minneapolis. It was a particularly busy afternoon on the train. I had an aisle seat and was sitting next to an average, middle-aged business woman.

All of a sudden my heart was pounding out of my chest. I felt dizzy, sweaty and completely confused. I didn't know what was happening. My first thoughts:

"Did I not eat enough for lunch? Maybe I drank too much coffee? Do I know anyone who has the flu right now? Maybe I caught a bug at work?" 

 I scrambled through my bag to find a smashed Special K bar at the bottom. My shaking hands struggled to get it open but once I did, I choked that thing down so fast, people probably thought that I hadn't eaten all day. It was difficult to do with a dry mouth, but I told myself I'd feel better after eating something. I suddenly became aware of everyone around me and felt like they all knew how I was feeling.

"Oh God, what if I throw up right here on the train in front of everyone. What if I faint? Who can I ask for help if I feel like I"m going to pass out? The guy sitting across from me looks nice, maybe he'll be the one to catch me."

I began to think the lady next to me started to notice my odd behavior and I tried to act as normal as possible, but the panic kept creeping in. I looked around hoping to see a police officer that I could go to for help if I needed.

"I have to get out of here. I have to get off of this train. NOW." 

The next stop we were approaching was a pretty shady area of town. If anyone would be able to help me in the worst circumstances, it would be the somewhat normal-looking people on the train with me, not the people at this train stop.

"If I get off here, I'd have to wait another 10 minutes for the next train to come. I have to get to my car eventually. Just stick it out Meghan. Breathe. You can do this." 

I focused on taking deep breaths until we finally made it to my stop. I was so overjoyed to be off of that train and called my soon-to-be fiance immediately. I explained to him that something just happened to me on the train. I felt sick and didn't know if it was because I didn't eat enough today or what. That was that. I headed to my car and my symptoms subsided on my way home.

Over the course of the next few months I suffered 2-3 more panic attacks. I eventually caught on that this is what was happening, but I didn't know why. I began to suffer attacks of anxiety almost everyday for fear that another panic attack was coming. Last time it came out of nowhere, so I should probably just be prepared for the next one ALL THE TIME, right? Doctors prescribed me something for panic attacks but I found that I was needing to treat myself multiple times a day, and the anxiety just kept coming back. This was not panic disorder and this particular treatment would not work for me, this was generalized anxiety.

Introducing the new, anxious Meghan
Established: March 2014
Age: 23.5

"I have everything I've ever wanted in life, I have nothing to worry about, my future looks bright. Why am I feeling so anxious all the time and why did those panic attacks happen anyway?"

Looking back now, I can confidently say to my 23-year-old self, "Hmmm let's see, Meg:

1.  You just bought a house in January, ON YOUR OWN. 
2. You live by yourself. It's quiet, creepy and lonely. 
3. Your boss was let go, you got a new boss, then she was let go. The company you work for and the job you absolutely ADORE, is very unstable. You'll very likely lose your job this year. 
4. You know you're going to get engaged soon. Your life is about to change. You're getting MARRIED. 
5. You better start planning this wedding. I hope you have enough money in savings for this because you're about to lose your job!"

So this is where my story begins. It is now 2016 and I've come a LONG way since then, but I still have hard times. I plan to write about life as a twenty-something-year-old woman. This blog certainly won't be entirely about my anxiety, but I want to stress that this is what brought me to this moment. I believe this experience happened to me for a reason and I believe that I am meant to share it. I also believe that I am meant to share happiness with others. Things that lift me up and brighten my mood. Things that I am certain come from God throughout my day. Things that give me hope and a future. Things that light the fire in my soul.

My hope is to make at least one person feel understood in this event we call a quarter-life crises. Don't you dare think that you are alone.

Your friend,

Meg